Learning how to cry. Or living life with abandon.

Photo by Dingzeyu Li https://unsplash.com/@dingzeyuli

Photo by Dingzeyu Li https://unsplash.com/@dingzeyuli

I am working on being in the moment.

You know, the hooey wooey mindfulness bullshit that I don’t really believe in but kind of do?

I know I’m not the only one who secretly reads self help books, all the while trying to keep up the cool façade of a cynic who has their shit together.

So.  I am working on being in the moment.

Which means feeling my feelings.

This is fucking hard.

This is so damn fucking hard.

Because it means crying.  It means getting angry.  Not just like, “oh, I’m mad.”  It means getting scream at the universe and throw things angry because my sister is dead.  It means letting go of what little control I feel like I have over my emotional life and letting loose.  Even when I have “bad” feelings.

I don’t cry very often.  And strange as it is, one of my goals is to cry more.  Because there are things worth crying about.  There are so many things worth crying about in this world.  Things like 25 year olds dying of cancer.  And people losing family members when they come out as LGBTQ* and racism and, and, and.  These things, these people deserve to be cried for.

Plus, if I don’t feel my feelings in the moment, I turn into a time bomb and light the fuse.  I am my own worst enemy sometimes.  We all are though.

So I am working on feeling my feelings.  At appropriate times and in safe and healthy ways.

This shit is scary.  I am learning how to trust myself.  Because I don’t trust myself. I have a long and sordid history of not being able to safely cope with powerful emotions.

I run from my feelings.  I spent the entire time my sister was on hospice playing The Sims and creating a world where cancer didn’t exist and everything was great.  I am brilliant at choking back my tears and saying I’m fine.  Especially when I’m not.

Because honestly I’m pissed off and I don’t let myself get pissed off.  I don’t know how to find peace or whatever bullshit about the fact that my sister is dead.  I don’t know if I will ever have peace with it, or if I should.  Because it is not right for someone 25 years old to die from fucking ovarian cancer. 

I work hard to focus on action however.  Because as important as it is to feel feelings.  It is also important not to let them control you.  I am very skilled at getting lost in my own head.  I spent 7 years of my life (at least) being lost in my own feelings of pity and self hatred.  Action is what matters.  My sister is dead and it is bullshit but what can I do?

What can I do?

I can write about what I am passionate about.

I can speak about what I am passionate about.

I can dare to live a beautiful fucking life even if other people don’t get it.

I can embrace every beautiful, chaotic, stressful, magnificent moment I have been given and I can dare to LIVE.

My life has changed dramatically in the past two to three years.  It has changed dramatically for the better, even though there has been more than enough stress to have triggered a major depressive episode.

I believe this is because I have made conscious decisions to work through my shit and try to become the best and biggest person I can.

And I continue to do so.

Moment by moment.

I challenge you.  Live your life.  With action.  With abandon.  With joy.

Because this is it.

This is your life.

What are you going to do with it?