I wrote my post last night, only to delete it this morning.
My brain works better in the morning.
I am struggling a bit right now guys, and it sucks.
I can feel that my mood is off, and it's harder to keep my brain in check. It jumps to dark places quickly and easily. I know that is simply a symptom of the illness, but it will never not be scary.
Mixed episodes are a part of bipolar most people aren't aware of. But they are the worst of both worlds, and that is where I am right now.
I'm calling my psychiatrist once it hits 8 am to see about upping my meds.
This is a fucking HARD phone call to make.
I sometimes forget that this illness is still a part of me. I have learned how to manage this illness so well I forget that I have it.
And then this shit strikes.
I am ok. I am safe. I am calling my doctor and I e-mailed my therapist last night. At this point I have the coping skills to make it through pretty much anything.
This is a chemical thing, set off by certain stressors in my life.
This is my life.
I don't know what it's like to not be bipolar. I don't know what it's like to not randomly think about suicide or self harm when I get stressed out, even when it's good stress. I don't know what it's like to not have to fight every day to keep a hold of a brain that wants to run away. A brain that wants to be sick.
I am told that I am incredibly self aware. I am told I am a badass. You guys, I HAVE to be to simply survive. I have to ask for help when I need it. I HAVE to listen to what I'm feeling and analyze it and decide what it means.
I am hurting right now, and most of it is because I am being reminded that I am STILL sick. That I will always be sick. Even though I know how to manage it, even though I have all the skills and tools I need to stay healthy and I utilize them. I am still sick.
This illness is invisible, and I am good at hiding it. There are very few people whom I let see the illness. Just because you don't see it doesn't mean it isn't there.
I am ok. I am safe. I am getting the help I need.
I just sucks that I need help.