Yup, Still bipolar.

I wrote my post last night, only to delete it this morning.

My brain works better in the morning.

I am struggling a bit right now guys, and it sucks.

I can feel that my mood is off, and it's harder to keep my brain in check.  It jumps to dark places quickly and easily.  I know that is simply a symptom of the illness, but it will never not be scary.

Mixed episodes are a part of bipolar most people aren't aware of.  But they are the worst of both worlds, and that is where I am right now.

I'm calling my psychiatrist once it hits 8 am to see about upping my meds.

This is a fucking HARD phone call to make.

I sometimes forget that this illness is still a part of me.  I have learned how to manage this illness so well I forget that I have it.

And then this shit strikes.

I am ok.  I am safe.  I am calling my doctor and I e-mailed my therapist last night.  At this point I have the coping skills to make it through pretty much anything. 

This is a chemical thing, set off by certain stressors in my life.

This is my life.

I don't know what it's like to not be bipolar.  I don't know what it's like to not randomly think about suicide or self harm when I get stressed out, even when it's good stress.  I don't know what it's like to not have to fight every day to keep a hold of a brain that wants to run away.  A brain that wants to be sick.

I am told that I am incredibly self aware.  I am told I am a badass.  You guys, I HAVE to be to simply survive.  I have to ask for help when I need it.  I HAVE to listen to what I'm feeling and analyze it and decide what it means.

I am hurting right now, and most of it is because I am being reminded that I am STILL sick.  That I will always be sick.  Even though I know how to manage it, even though I have all the skills and tools I need to stay healthy and I utilize them.  I am still sick.

This illness is invisible, and I am good at hiding it.  There are very few people whom I let see the illness.  Just because you don't see it doesn't mean it isn't there.

I am ok.  I am safe.  I am getting the help I need.

I just sucks that I need help.