Sometimes it feels like there is sadness bubbling up through the broken parts of myself. I lose sight of who I am and the whole picture, and drown in feelings.
I have a lot of feelings. And they are strong and powerful and sometimes overwhelming.
I have feelings about my feelings, and then I have feelings about the feelings about the feelings.
I don’t let them control me anymore.
Well, I do my best.
I have learned that it is not my brain that is my greatest enemy, but my heart.
My brain is my best weapon.
My brain has kept me alive when my heart has wanted to die.
My brain keeps my heart in check.
My brain sometimes betrays me, and I believe things to be true that aren’t.
But using my brain keeps me alive.
I am constantly thinking.
My heart says ‘oh my god everything sucks this is the worst why do you even try you’re never going anywhere or doing anything, you should just quit. Why bother, you’re going to fuck it all up anyway.”
My brain says “That’s a lie. You are ok. You are doing cool things.”
I have a (now) automated response to the lies my heart tells. My brain immediately jumps to action to refute what I am feeling.
Acknowledge the feeling. Let it happen, but tell it the truth.
And if you don’t know what the truth is, look for it.
Ask your friends what they like about you.
Ask your family why they love you.
Be honest with others and yourself.
You don’t have to believe it yet. You just have to say it. Prove those thoughts wrong.
“I am not a worthless piece of shit because for some unknown reason my wife continues to love me, even when I’m an asshole.”
Every negative thought that passes through your mind, challenge it.
Learn how to shoot it down.
This is a practice. This is a constant struggle. This is FUCKING HARD.
I still do it. Every day.
Every moment some days.
This thing you are doing, this staying alive when your mind is running away from you and your thoughts are full of hatred and hurt thing.
This is the biggest thing you will ever do.
This is the strongest and hardest and most fucking worthwhile thing you will ever do.
So do it.
Set tiny goals:
“Today I’m going to take a shower.”
“Today I’m going to say hi to one person”
“Today I’m going to send a friend a text just to say hi because I’m isolating myself”
“Today I’m going to ask for help because I need it”
“Today I’m going to take my meds even though it sucks and I hate it.”
“Today I’m going to fight one negative thought”
This, my dear one is how you find yourself. How you move past these moments of pain and learn to love yourself.
Baby step by baby step.
Do what you can.
But do something.
What are you going to do to take care of yourself this week?