Holy Shit. You're trusting ME with a baby?

I am going to be a parent.  In less than 6 months there will be an infant under my care (and of course the care of my wife).

I’m excited. And honestly, I’m scared shitless.

This weekend we picked up a crib and dresser from some of our wonderful amazing friends.  And things got just a little bit more real.

I have fears.  Fears about how this illness will impact my ability to parent.  Fears about my ability to raise a child in general.

I know that it is entirely normal to have these fears.  I know that I will still be a great parent.

But I am scared.

And it is hard to fight these fears.  I don’t know how, other than to keep going.  I know I’m great with kids.  But I know I get stressed out and react in ways that are less than beautiful.  I fear that the stress of having an infant will shut me down and I will have post partum depression(even though I’m not carrying).

These specific fears are new and foreign to me.  This is a daunting responsibility.  One I take very seriously.

I have never been a parent before.  This is the unknown and I am leaping in headfirst and what if the pool isn’t filled with water and what if. . .

And what if it’s the best thing I ever do?

What if I find a fulfillment and wonder and beauty I have never known before?

What if this fear simply means I realize the great responsibility being placed on my shoulders?

What if I am an amazing parent?

I could choose to drown in the fears.  I could do that easily.  I’ve done it many times before.  Getting caught up in my own headspace is something which comes naturally to me.

What matters is that I give those fears their voice.  I let myself have them.  But I come back at them with the other what ifs.

Living in fear is a choice.

I choose to combat the fear.

What do you choose?