Wheatfields in Winter

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I turn 31 on Wednesday. Most people think of 30 as being a “big birthday” one with giant parties and apparently cake smashes like 1 year olds do are a thing now.  I don’t understand, but ok.  Celebrate as you will.

30 was nothing for me.

31 is everything.

For the bulk of my life I truly didn’t believe I would live past 30.  I saw my life ending before that.  I saw myself succumbing to this illness and it taking my life before I could reach the age of 31.  That was the future I saw.

 

And here I sit on the cusp of 31.  Living past 30.

And not just living, honest to god THRIVING past 30.

It has only been in the past year I’ve begun to thrive.  I have found myself.  I have found what drives me (instead of going through the motions because I couldn’t let down those who love me).  I have goals.  Like, real goals.  One’s that aren’t “brush my teeth more often than not” or “maybe remember to shower occasionally.”

Which, by the way, are SUPER awesome goals and we should all have those as goals.

I am no longer living in survival mode.

As Hamilton would say, “for the first time I’m thinkin past tomorrow” (because Hamilton is currently everything to me.  Seriously.  Read all of my blog posts.  Everything is Hamilton and nothing hurts.)

I have a tomorrow.  I have a future.  I see myself getting old.  I see myself not just staying alive, but taking hold of life and OWNING it.

I wish I had something super inspirational to say here.  Some easy quick fix as to how to get to where I am.  Because where I am is amazing and everyone should experience this.

But I don’t.

There is no easy fix.

There is no 3 step program.

There is only work.  And I have worked.  And I do work.

The work I do to live with my disability is invisible, but it is there.  Every day I stand up to the lies my brain likes to tell.  I shut down the negativity and focus on the good in the world.

Because there is so much good in this world.

There is so much beauty even in the midst of the pain.

Back when things were not so shiny for me, I loved driving through the country in the dead of winter and seeing wheat fields.

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See, as a farm kid, I can tell you that winter wheat is one of the most beautiful things you will ever see.  Bright vibrant green in the middle of brown nothingness.

There are always wheat fields in winter.

You just have to find them.