I am OK. I am totally OK. I think?

The voice came back last night. This sounds much more ominous than it is.  There is a voice in my head, and I think most people have it in some form.  For me it is Brad Pitt's rendition of Tyler Durden from Fight Club.  "Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else."

This voice haunts me.  It is not an audible voice.  It is nothing more than that fraud voice.  That part of my brain which doesn't want to see me succeed.  That part of my brain that is terrified I might be able to do more than I ever thought I could.

I'm still learning what to do with this voice.  What to do with the angry diatribe it shouts at me as I'm trying to fall asleep.  I fear it will move into a full on delusion.  That it will go from being someone else's voice in my head to being someone else's voice in my ear.  That I will start believing the hateful vitriol it spews.  That I will go back to where I was.  That this is all a masquerade and I'm really back 10 years ago, living in the bedroom I grew up in.  Jobless, unable to get out of bed, helping my dad on the farm because he wouldn't let me do nothing.  Seeing the tears well up on the mornings I couldn't manage to get out of bed to help him.

I am not healed.  I have come a long damn way and I am proud of the work I have put into getting where I am.  I have learned how to successfully manage this illness.  But it is management, and there is always that employee that doesn't like to listen.

I was going to write about how I got second in my coffee shops barista championship and how I believe in giving your all every day even if your all is simply getting out of bed.  But after the voice made its appearance last night, my heart wasn't in that post anymore.  My heart is here.

Do I need to talk to my psychiatrist about upping my meds?  Is it ok to wait a little while and see if it was just because I had a hard conversation?  Am I going down?  Am I going up?  Are both happening at the same time?  Am I going to crash and burn into a brilliant fiery pyre?

Maybe I'm ok, and I'm just human.  Maybe this is humanity and self-doubt and not bipolar.

I have to believe that I am ok.  That I am OK.  That I am fucking OK. So leave me alone because you are full of lies.  You are not the truth.